Last night I went shopping. Now anyone that knows me can tell you I don't do that. I might run into town to Walmart. I might go with others. But I don't go by myself to distant towns. Last night I did.

Couldn't stand being in the house alone and I thought cheap books would help. So often to the doomed Borders I went.

And it really made me think.

I couldn't stay at home alone because I didn't want to think. I should probably tell you why. My cousin recently died. Only two years older then me and cancer killed her.

So on the way there, a hour and a half drive on a good day, I started thinking. Why would going to a dying book store to buy the last in series make me feel better? It was like throwing death on death.

That made me think of death. I've never really thought about it before. I tend to try not to think of the future. The farthest I go is the trip to Disney World in a year.

Now this wasn't my first, or even closest brush with death. In 8th grade my grandfather died. He was a man that raised me as my parents split up. I spent most of a year with him. And without him the divorce would have ended much worse. But he was a good man and made my father act with a tracy of honor. This was a sad time but his death broke apart the family. My step-mom, very much in the way of evil step-mothers, saw the break and jumped on it. She broke the family beyond repair. So instead of thinking of death I was left with betrayal as my father's family turned from our branch of the family. Even now I don't talk to them, years after the fact and years since I broke away from my father and his wife, because they still blame me.

A few months later my aunt died but I wasn't close with her and it was always expected. Once again my mind didn't turn to what had happened. Years past and my step-father's mother died. While she had been nice to me and I did like her I never really felt like a grandchild even though I had been apart of her family from the age of five. And it was expected. After five heart attacks in three years there isn't much more.

But back to the cousin. She was a cousin by marriage, step-father's side, but really she had always been closer then the blood ones. My father's side pretended I wasn't alive and I had step away from my mother's side. Don't get me wrong, I love them and I talk to them. But a person can only take so much "poor me" talk. And a person can take even less "give me" talk.

My step-father's family hate my mother and me because of her. They blamed her for breaking up a relationship that had ended long before. In a time when the rest of that family wouldn't speak to me or even really look at me this cousin asked if I wanted to play Sonic. Ok I didn't get to play as Sonic but instead his friend Tails. But that was fine with me. And from then on I had a friend, an ally, and a family member who stuck by me. When my step-sister made a club and wouldn't let me join the cousin joined mine. When I lost all my friends from moving she invited me on sleep overs. In high school she let me eat with her even when her friends didn't want to. When I cut off my hair into what I called a reverse mullet, party in the front business in the back, and whispers of "dike" went around she said it looked cute. When my hair went from brown to blue to purple to a half dozen other colors and everyone looked at me like I was going to freak out and start shooting people she treated me like a person.

I'm sure if anyone was reading this they long since left but I felt like I should tell someone the kind of person she was.

A year ago it was found she had cancer. And even though it took her a year to die and we should have all seen it coming we didn't. It was a suprise. It made me question death and life.

I finally got to the book store and was happy to run inside. To not have to think. And I walk into a book store that is being killed. Really not much better.

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Now I suppose since this is my first post I should tell you what you can expect in here. I will try to post at least once a week. It might be random, it might be more of above, it might be musings, my views (anything from the government, people, or pretty much anything), thoughts on books/movies/comics.

I hope that someone will enjoy reading these or that they at least won't horribly upset someone. Though I don't really care if it does.